Warning: Bumpy Road Ahead

I've been handling my grief pretty well lately and feel like I've accomplished some major healing milestones in this past year, so I was surprised when my grief snuck up on me and hit me in the head like a ton of bricks last night. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it. Usually something does.

I was putting Lilli to sleep last night and just started thinking about how this time last year when I put her to bed, I had Everett with me. He was alive, and we were anticipating his arrival at any time, due to all the problems I was having in the pregnancy. I started thinking about how it's almost the month of August, and almost to the one year mark of when he died, and then when he was born. I started crying and couldn't stop for a while. It's been a long time since I've really let myself cry, so there was quite a back up of tears. I miss Everett so much right now, it hurts almost as bad as it did when we lost him. That, I wasn't expecting. I know there will always be a void, along with missing, and sadness, but it's like the grief scab got ripped wide open. All I can say is, this really sucks. Big time!

I asked my husband through tears tonight, "why did this have to happen to us"? He pointed out the fact that why does it have to happen to anyone. We aren't exempt, we aren't any different from the other 26,000 woman in the US each year who loose a baby through stillbirth. I guess this whole thing is a continual work in progress and I know will take so much more time to heal. One year is not much time in the grand scheme of things. But still, it really does suck.

~Steph