Friday, January 20, 2012

Some Insight

Being pregnant after a loss is hard. I've said it before, but I just can't describe how much harder it is that I thought it would be. I am not alone in these feelings. Many of my "baby loss friends" who have had a subsequent pregnancy after loosing a child felt the same way. Everyone deals differently and some cope better than others. I group myself in the coping less better than some category. I've also been told there are women who are a lot more of a "basket case" than I am, which makes me feel better to hear! :)

I guess the reason behind this post is I am tired of people who have never experienced what I went through, what we went through, try to give me advice on how not to act or how not to be during this pregnancy. I get tired of people telling me not to be stressed out, not to worry so much. Saying things like, "think about what stress is doing to this baby". Guess what? I experienced a horrific trauma that went above and beyond a child dying inside of my body and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Everett's death was totally preventable. He gave off all kinds of warning signs and none of the "professionals" listened. Guess what else? That makes you loose faith in the very people who are supposed to help you get through a pregnancy safely. You loose faith not only in them, but in the majority of medical practitioners. I really do think it would be slightly different if it was just a sudden thing (still horrible) that just happened. I not only lost our son, I lost my innocence and the other blissful things that make a pregnancy fun and exciting.

People have no right to try to judge or give advice when they have never delivered a dead child. A child you desperately wanted. A child you advocated for before he was even born. A child not breathing, or pink or perfect that you hold and weep over in your arms. A child you have to make funeral plans for and bury. I know people also mean well, but telling me to "relax" or "try to enjoy the pregnancy" just doesn't apply to me. I will continue to be hyper vigilant, I will continue to be on guard until this little girl arrives safely and I hear her screaming, and see her beautiful pink skin. Oh, and it's not affecting my blood pressure. I have to take each day, and sometimes each hour at a time. That is normal. There are also things I enjoy about my pregnancy, like being able to see our little girls sweet face and long legs weekly. She really does have very long legs!

This does not mean there is something wrong with me. This does not mean I don't care about my unborn baby girl growing inside of me. This doesn't mean I haven't bonded with my beautiful child. Because I do love her, just as much as I love Lilli, and just as much as I love Everett. I just don't let myself fantasize about the future because it's uncertain. No one can tell you that everything will be OK, because they don't know that. If there's something I've learned over the past year and half, yes it's been almost 18 months on February 11, it's that nothing in life is certain or guaranteed. You can only hope and pray for the best possible outcome and try to put a little trust back into the profession that let you down so horribly the last time. Things are different this time around and this is a different pregnancy. I'm well aware of that, but I refuse to let my guard down, and again, that's OK. If I went on like nothing happened, there would be something really wrong with me. It's because I love my unborn child so much, that I want what's best for her and want her to arrive healthy and safe.

So please, if you know someone who is pregnant after having lost a child, don't judge them or try to give them advice when you haven't walked in those shoes. They've got to do things the best way they can and get through the pregnancy the best way they know how. It's not helpful to tell them to "relax", or "you really should try to enjoy the pregnancy". There are things about the pregnancy they will enjoy and depending on how they lost their child, there will be aspects of the pregnancy that remind them of a really scary time in their life. Let them talk about it if they need to, let them cry if they need to. You'd be amazed how far a great friend who listens to your fears and worries will take someone during a time of need.

~Steph