11 Months!

I can't believe that my baby would have been 11 months old today! That just seems mind boggling to me. Probably because he hasn't been here, except in spirit, to share it with us. The past six months seem to have flown by. I often think about all the things Everett would be doing and enjoying with us today, if he were here.

About a year ago today marks the final four week count down leading up to Everett's death and birth. It was the most terrifying month of my life. I was in and out of the hospital 8 different times due to decreased movement and heart rate issues those last four weeks. Never knowing what to expect next and feeling a sense of doom looming around me all the time. I also felt such a huge amount of helplessness. I was still working while all of this was happening, which added another level of stress to the mix.

The beginning stages of grief were down right miserable. I can't even put to words how miserable I felt during that time period. There was so much hopelessness after Everett was gone, and the constant reliving of everything that took place; if only they had delivered him sooner, if only they had listened to me, if only they had listened to themselves, he would be here with us right now and we wouldn't have had to experience the worst pain of our lives. I kept asking myself over and over again, 'how could this have happened', 'why did this have to happen'?

August 10th of last year (around 6pm when we were told the words no parent ever wants to hear) marked the beginning our our new life and NEVER in a million years would I have guessed that I could have survived the loss of our son. But I went though it, and somehow managed to survive. I feel somewhat stronger since the loss of Everett. Mainly because I've had to be. I've had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I want to make sure that as many people as possible know our story, to try and prevent another tragedy, like this one, from happening again. It was preventable, and it never should have happened. I want to make sure that pregnant moms out there know how to make their voices heard, with their physicians, and concerns listened to when they feel something isn't right. I want to make sure pregnant moms know how to properly track their baby's movements (click here to learn) and not just brush it off and think 'well, it's late in the pregnancy and they just don't move that much anymore'. I want to make sure that stillbirth is talked about in society and research continues so that ways to prevent it can be found and passed on to medical professionals.

To make it 11 months without our son is a big deal. Next month is going to be even bigger (and harder) and we will celebrate our Everett's first year in a big way with family, friends, and the race. I miss him terribly every day, and while things get easier with time, I never, ever, forget him or what he meant to our family. For the rest of our lives there will always be a missing piece in our home.

Love you Everett. Mommy misses you and holds you close in her heart always.

~Steph