Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Brain Clog

This week is completely flying by, for me, and I feel like I'm running out of time to get everything done that needs to be done. I start work next week and have tried to cram one too many things into my week before I go back.

I feel like my brain is on overload and am having a difficult time formulating simple thoughts at times. That's a little troublesome. I have learned to laugh at myself (A LOT) lately when that starts to happen. It's like I know what I want to say, and mean to say, but it doesn't come out that way.

The very first Run 4 Everett is only three weeks from Saturday and I'm starting to feel the pressure. It's like planning my wedding all over again, except with more people and without the nightmares that I'm wearing the wrong dress! This event is a BIG DEAL! I want things to run as smoothly as possible, I want people to have a good time, and I want families who've experienced a loss feel like they matter. I also know that things like this aren't without flaws and I can't make everyone happy. I've certainly found that out from a few sour folks along the way. A couple of those folks I encountered last week. It really reminds me that no matter what we've been through this past year, some people really are just that unhappy in their own lives and will try to take you down with them. You know the old saying, "Misery loves company".

I think part of the other reason my brain is clogged is that we are quickly approaching Everett's first birthday. He would have been turning one, two weeks from tomorrow. That seems so hard to believe. One year ago today I was halfway through my high risk stay at the hospital, and a year ago tomorrow was when my doctors made the first fateful decision to send me home, when they should have been delivering me instead. I don't know if those doctors ever think about those decisions they made and their consequences of not listening to the testing (Everett), not listening to themselves, and not listening to me. I hope in some ways, not ill intended, that those moments and decisions haunt them in their medical careers, if not for any other purpose but to remind them not make the same mistakes with another baby and family.

I made my last ditch effort to speak on behalf of Everett by filing an official complaint with our State's Attorney Generals Office, against the OBGYN practice and Maternal Fetal Medicine Office that were responsible for Everett's death. It's the last form of recourse we have in having an "official" person review what happened, and possibly file something against the physicians medical licenses. It was found by both attorney's and three other medical specialists that medical standard of care was not met and had it been met, Everett would have (most likely) been here. I'm really hoping something happens with this, but not holding my breath either.

Each day that moves forward is a day further ahead in the healing process. On the flip side, each passing day gets me further away from remembering what my little boy felt like in my arms, what he smelled like, and how soft his hair felt. That has been hard for me as we quickly approach the first anniversary. And could be another reason my brain has been clogged up lately. So many emotions, and feelings to sort through.

Lilli continues to tell me how God and Jesus take care of Everett and all his needs, and how nice they are to him. That gives me comfort to hear from her, even though I already know it in my heart. Someday, I will have to write a blog called the God and Jesus chronicles. Lilli really does have ALL kinds of stories of things that Everett does with them. Apparently they take him shopping in Heaven, and bought him a toy similar to what Dave and I had purchased for him shortly before he died. It's so he wouldn't miss it, and us so much, she said.

I really do count my blessings with my amazing little girl. I'm so proud to be both she and Everett's mommy. Maybe once this upcoming month passes, my brain will start to function at a more normal capacity. One can only hope!

~Steph



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