Run 4 Everett

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Hate Stress

I hate stress. I seem to ALWAYS encounter it, and over the years have learned (a little) how to handle it better. Although lately, my depression and grief issues over loosing Everett has surfaced full force making most things that don't go as I planned or expected stressful. I hate that!

I woke up early this morning to a familiar tingling sensation and slight pain in my upper lip. Yep, it's cold-sores. I officially have worn my immune system down. So now I have to deal with these unsightly, painful blisters on my lip, in addition to swollen glands in my neck. Good times. (Note the sarcasm)

There have been a number of things stressing me out lately, but I didn't realize how much until early this morning when the physical result of stress smacked me right in my lip. One thing that really frustrates me is people who say they are going to do something, and you count on them to do it, and then they don't follow through. I'm mainly speaking in regards to the race. There have only been a very few select people I have been able to trust/count on to help me with things, and those people I/we greatly appreciate, are like gold, and should be treated as such. We have some amazing friends who have helped spread the word, flyer-ed all over town, and generally have been there for us over this past year. You know who you are and Dave and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts! The others, well, I just need to let that go.

Another thing that has been extremely stressful and something I haven't shared, except with a few select people is that we've been trying to conceive, rather unsuccessfully (surprise, surprise), for many months. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this because I don't want people asking me all the time if I'm pregnant, how things are going, or anything else about it. I always run a risk of miscarriage because of medical things going on with me and know that if or when I get pregnant again, it's not going to be an easy or anxiety free road. I don't think I'll breathe a sigh of relief until I get to hold a healthy, living, breathing child in my arms. And I know there's never any guarantee that the child will be either. I know that sounds kind of crass, but I no longer get to live in a world where bad things don't happen to me, or others I know or care about. My innocence bubble got popped wide open a little while ago.

Things get tweaked with my fertility procedures each month, I get to take the hormonal roller-coaster known as fertility drugs and every month we complete a fertility procedure to try and get pregnant. So far nothing is working and my fertility specialist suspects I might have a polyp in my uterus acting like an IUD. So I have a procedure scheduled to see if that is the case, and if so, will have to have surgery to remove it and then time to heal afterwards. I was really upset about that at first, but think I'm really ready for a break as fertility treatments, meds, procedures, etc. are emotionally draining. They were draining the first two times as well (trying for Lilli and Everett). I hope that this is the cause of why we haven't been able to get pregnant and they can fix it and we can move on with this next chapter.

Lately I have been thinking more about how much longer we are going to try for another baby. Merely for the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in this idea of what my life was supposed to look like. I was supposed to have two, living children. We still very much want another child to join our home and Lilli has been telling me for over a week that she wants a sister this time. She said she already has a brother, and isn't real crazy with how that turned out. We don't discuss the fertility stuff with her, or that we're trying. She's told us this all on her own accord and says there's a little girl in Heaven waiting for us to be her parents, and for Lilli to be her big sister. I wonder who that might be. It makes me smile to hear her talk about this. According to Lilli, she's hanging out with Everett, but at some point will join us here on earth and in our homes to stay. I'm not sure where my child gets this stuff, honestly.

So just a few stresses going on lately. Hopefully my lip clears up before race day and I can fit some exercise into my schedule to help with the stress levels that are likely to only go up this week as we face Everett's first Birthday. I miss that little boy so much.


1 comment:

  1. I can not imagine the stress you are baring or your grief. There are so few words or any for that matter that actually will make a difference. I'm thinking about you, Dave, Lilli and everything you have and are going through. We aren't always dealt a fair deck and that just plain sucks. I know that the 20th will be a special day for a lot of reasons, but know that there is a precious angel that couldn't be prouder of two people. Hang in there - it's got to get better, right?
    On to simpler stuff - my middle guy gets cold sores - I give him ridiculous doses of L-Lysine when they crop up. Like 10 at a time (he's a trooper) and they seem to zap them. My girlfriend takes about 15 herself three times a day - they don't seem to run too much havoc in other areas of your body - but they do wonders for cold sores. Just a random FYI.
    Hugs and prayers to you! Don't ever feel bad for posting how you feel - I had a good friend who passed away years ago and he said that crying and sharing just got the sads out -we all need to get the sads out.