Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Long Road

I'm not gonna lie. This pregnancy after loss thing has been hard for me. It's not hard every day, but some days my mind is my own worst enemy. I've been trying to change that with more positive thinking, distraction, and anything else that will get me through the day. I'm hoping it will get better with more regular movement, and reassurance through the big anatomy scan, that things are looking OK.

I'll be 16 weeks on Friday. I have an ultrasound scheduled and it cannot get here soon enough! I will always have that image in my head of the last time we saw Everett on an ultrasound and that flicker, where his heart was, was gone. I worry everytime I go in for an ultrasound with this baby we might see the same thing. I've been told, by experts, this is normal. It doesn't feel normal. It sucks.

I struggle between wanting to be happy and cherrish every minute I get to spend with this baby, and having a protective bubble formed around myself to help ease the blow of something that "might" go wrong. No one gets to know what the future might hold for them and I am no different from that. We found out at my last ultrasound that they were 75% sure of the gender. We will find out 100% on Friday, if the baby cooperates. I am hoping this will help with the bonding process so we can finally put a name on this munchkin. Although we plan to keep the name to ourselves.

Lilli is starting to get very attached to this baby and likes to hold and hug my belly regularly. This was something we encouraged when I was pregnant with Everett so she could try and bond with her little brother. We didn't encourage it this time around for fear of the unknown and wanting to protect her from the pain, grief, and loss she felt after Everett was gone. She just likes to do it on her own and I no longer discourage her from doing so. If that gives her comfort, then so be it. A couple of weeks ago she hugged my belly tightly and told me she doesn't want this baby to die. She wants this baby to come home with us. I told her that daddy and I very much want the same thing. That about completely broke my heart to hear her say.

I ended up having to change some things around recently, mainly with a new OB. It was unbelievably important for me, and my husband, to get what we needed from our doctor. First and foremost, an understanding of what we had been through with Everett and how that affects this pregnancy. Because it does affect this pregnancy. Also, not holding me to a delivery standard, because if I've learned anything with my last two children, it's that I don't fit in the neat little bell curve of other pregnant woman (really there shouldn't be one). I happen to be way off in left field somewhere. We got into that with Everett, being told I HAD to make it to 37 weeks regardless of what was going on inside of me and with him. I'll be damned it that's giong to happen again. I want and need to be listened to! I never was with Everett. While it would be good for the baby to make it to a "safe" gestational age, I've never had a baby survive in the womb that long. Lilli came at 34.5 weeks and Everett died at 35 weeks 6 days. I think we are finally on the right path, which helps ease anxitey on that level.

This has certainly been, and will continue to be, a long road. One that we are willing to take, because the end result is so worth it. I can't wait for this rainbow baby to get here next year, but for now, I still have to take things one day at a time.


~Steph

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