It's been a while...

So I've been pretty quiet on the blog front for a while now. It's certainly not been for a lack of things to say. I've just not been sure when the right time is to talk about what's been going on over the past couple of months. So I'll just start...

We've been undergoing fertility treatments a good chunk of the year. We decided to give it one last go before I had further testing done. It was time for me to take a pregnancy test on Everett's birthday (Aug. 11) and much to our surprise, it came out positive. We were happy, scared, worried, happy, and a little terrified all mixed into one package of emotions. I didn't have much time to think about it because it was just over a week before Run 4 Everett. We got through all of that and a week after the race I started having some bleeding, well, a lot of bleeding. I feared I was miscarrying. After an early ultrasound it turned out I wasn't. They weren't sure what was going on. I had a few more scares like this over the next several weeks.

After my 8 week appointment with my fertility specialist, I was officially handed off to my MFM (maternal fetal medicine OB-AKA: high risk OB). Dave and I handed picked her after everything we went through with Everett. Obviously we would not be using the same hospital system and doctors that let him die. The bleeding and spotting subsided and I started feeling a tiny bit more comfortable with our new situation. However, please know that comfort, bliss and pure, uninhibited happiness, will not be emotions we will experience throughout this pregnancy until this child is born alive and well, safe in our arms. I am still holding my breath each day that passes.

We attended the Walk to Remember at St. Francis Hospital last weekend. It was a beautiful, perfect day. As they got ready to read our babies names, a big gust of wind swept over the crowd, kind of like our babies were there with us. Dave, Lilli and I participated in the walk, along with many of our baby loss friends and their families. I had an incident, a little after the walk, where I felt like I may have leaked some fluid. It is the third baby, things just don't work like they used to! We got to my in-laws to visit with my sister-in-law and family who came in from out of state for a visit. I headed to the bathroom and much to my surprise I was covered in blood. How could this be happening, I thought! I immediately told Dave we needed to go to the ER. I was horribly upset and prepared myself for the worst, seeing that blank spot in the baby where the heart is supposed to be beating. They paged someone from OB to come down and perform the ultrasound. I held my breath, I prayed. As the doctor put the probe on my belly, there was that beautiful flicker, and the baby was in the middle of doing somersaults! We still have no idea what happened to cause the bleeding.

Today I had an appointment to check for possible chromosomal abnormalities and the ultrasound part came out well. Besides, anytime I get to see this baby, and it's beautiful heart beating I am happy. We will wait for the combo results of the screen to come back in another week and then part two of it at 16 weeks. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow. We were able to find out (for the most part) what we are having. The tech, who is awesome, was 75% sure on the gender, but we won't be revealing that for a little while. Good to keep some things to ourselves! :) I also plan to not decorate the nursery or buy anything until after this one arrives safely. We have plenty of gender neutral clothing, we have a crib and bassinet, bottles and diapers sitting in the closet.

As I approach the end of my first trimester, I do not feel safe. Most people do when they hit that 13 or 14 week mark. I know too much, I have seen too much, and I have been through too much to ever feel safe again. Right now, we are taking each day as it comes and thankful for each day we get to spend with this little one. Nerves have certainly been worn down already and we pray that we get to greet this beautiful life with tears of happiness come mid-late March.

P.S. Don't ask me what my due date is, it's irrelevant.

~Steph