A little bit of crazy!

Well, I've been working my way, for a little while, into my first (un-official) breakdown. At 15 weeks I started feeling this little baby moving periodically. I wasn't expecting big kicks, just some swishing, rolling, and a foot here or there. Maybe once or twice a day and I was happy with that. Then something changed. I'm not sure if it was the position or what, but I've been feeling increasingly un-easy this past week. For the last three days, I've been feeling nothing, nada, zip, zero movement. Not good for a woman who had a stillborn baby only last year! My mind has taken me all kinds of ugly places this week and I have gone back and forth from being OK to feeling like I'm going to loose it. Just needing a little something from the baby to let me know that beautiful heart is still beating. I don't think that's too much for a mama to ask for.

I figured once I started feeling some sort of movement, I would be less anxious. Finally, I would be getting reassurance this little one was alive. But as it turns out, this pregnancy has been very different from the previous two. I've had elements of both pregnancies wrapped into this one. I had no morning sickness with Lilli and overall felt pretty good, tired, but good. With Everett I developed a very strong gag reflex in my throat and would throw up most mornings. I've had the gag reflex with this one, but it hasn't been as bad, only getting sick once or twice a week and at 17+ weeks, it appears to be subsiding (where it lasted the entire time with Everett). I felt Lilli move for the first time around 16 weeks and she was pretty regular with her movements. I felt Everett around 15 weeks, probably because I knew what to look for. The movements never stopped with either of them and got stronger the further along I got. This baby, however, is throwing me through a loop.

I've been on edge for the last few days with feeling nothing from this baby. I've been having bizarre dreams about the pregnancy when I sleep at night, and wake up with my mind focused on worrying why I'm not feeling any movement. After I eat dinner, I'll lay quietly on my side trying to feel something, anything and have gotten nothing. My fears got the best of me today so I ended up contacting the grief and loss nurse at the hospital where I switched my care. She was really supportive and positive and told me to contact my on call Dr., which I did. I went in for some reassurance to listen to the heart beat, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. It's what you do when you've gone through what I have.

The first nurse came in and was very pleasant. She put the doppler on my belly and looked and looked and looked. She couldn't find a heart beat. I was trying to stay positive, but it was growing increasingly hard. Then another nurse came in for a try. She looked, and looked and looked. She tried all kinds of positions and angels with the doppler and after some hard prodding, I lost it, started crying and begged them to just get an ultrasound machine. My fears had overcome me. It was like flashing back to Everett all over again. I could see the worry in my husbands face. My daughter tried to tell me things would be OK and rubbed my arm. I wasn't so sure though. They paged the Dr. to come in and set up the ultrasound machine. The doctor put the probe on my belly and saw the heart beating. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then the baby started moving all over the place. I couldn't feel one bit of that baby moving! I finally had some reassurance. We left the triage area and I broke down in tears. I knew this road was going to be hard, but this is much harder than I imagined. Especially with not being able to feel this little one move!

I was able to come up with a plan with the grief and loss nurse for extra reassurance in between appointments, since apparently this little booger is going to be so much different than the big brother and big sister that came before. I love you little squishy, but please, please, be kind to your mama. Feel free to kick the crap out of me (while your in there) and I promise never to complain!

~Steph