August 10, 2010

One year ago today at approximately 5:35pm our beautiful Everett took his last "breath" in my womb of the lobby of "that hospital". I felt him move for the last time, and quite the move it was. It's as though he struggled for the last time and was saying goodbye, so I'd notice. We were still filled with excitement that I was finally being induced and we would soon get to meet our amazing son. It was only minutes later that our life was shattered as we were told that our son no longer had a heart beat. This started the hardest journey of our lives.

Through this process I've grown in ways I never thought possible and have seen my husband grow. I am so proud of him for taking the high road through this grief process. Not that he would have done it any other way. He has been my rock, just as he has for the last 11.5 years of our marriage. But if anything would put that to the test, this experience would.

One of many things I've learned this past year is men and women grieve in COMPLETELY different ways. And there were times I was mad at Dave for that. It seemed like I was the only one falling apart all the time while he had it all together. But he didn't. He took a brief period of time off work and then dove into it head first. I think guys are more susceptible to doing that. His running has been his outlet and his way of being close with Everett. He typically runs in the wee hours of the morning when it's still dark out and the stars are filling the sky. I learned that I had such a different relationship with Everett than he did, so of course we would grieve differently. We had to relearn what normal was for our life. I think we are finally getting there.

I knew before Dave did that Everett had passed. It was after they had been searching for his heartbeat for some time and I just knew he was gone. Dave tried so hard to be optimistic and positive that they'd find it, but I knew differently. I felt in my body and heart that Everett was gone. It wasn't confirmed until the Dr. brought in the ultrasound machines and I'll never forget the look of shock and horror on Dave's face. His beautiful son he had wanted for so long was gone.

I know there will be sadness today as it marks the one year point of our son missing from our lives. But tomorrow, we choose to celebrate Everett's birth and what his life means to us. We all miss him terribly and our hearts still ache for what should have been.

~Steph