5 months has gone by so fast

Everett passed away exactly five months ago today. In some ways it has taken forever to get to this point and in others the time has flown by. I miss him and love him so much that it sometimes hurts. I attached a picture of Lilli at 5 months old since I don't have one of Everett. There's not a day that passes that I don't think about what he may be doing now. Lilli was into giving herself baby food facials at five months, pushing up to prepare to crawl, babbling, and smiling all the time.

Lilli still misses her baby brother too. She doesn't talk as much about him as she did when he first passed. I think time is healing her as well. She did look through the pictures we have of him today and said "aw", when she sees his cute little face, hand and foot prints that we have of his. Lilli seemed to have such a connection to Everett when he first passed away. She would talk to him and act as though she could see him still. She even would "play" with him at times. A couple of weeks after he passed we were having dinner at the kitchen table, Lilli looked off in the distance and started talking to someone and laughing. I asked her who she was talking to and she stated Everett. She was giggling and I asked her where he was, she pointed to an open spot on the floor. I asked her what he was doing and she said he was being really silly and started laughing again. I have heard that sometimes children can have a connection with loved ones who are no longer here, but had never seen that in action. It was a little eerie at first and then comforting to think that maybe she still got to have a relationship with her brother. She still talks about how sad mommy and daddy were at the hospital and sometimes draws his heartbeat, as she got to see it many of times on the monitors I was hooked up to before he passed.

We've got 2011 off to a decent start and I am hopeful that will continue throughout the year. I received an iron infusion this past Friday, I have iron deficiency anemia, that will hopefully help with my energy levels, as long as I can hold onto those iron stores! I still managed to get myself to the gym and work out regularly even with my iron saturation at a crazy low level! No excuses, even though I have about a million legitimate ones I could use! I have to keep functioning and pushing forward, and yes, I still have some days where I don't want to. Moving backwards in the process is not an option and it's not going to help me or anyone else who depends on me. I feel like I need to get back into some form of work and have some ideas I'm working on now. I'm really hoping that things are going to work out with that!

I will close with a beautiful poem that I came across and brings both tears and a smile to my face when I read it:

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard Him say

A mother has a baby. This we know is true.

But God can you be a mother when your baby is not with you?

"Yes, you can" He replied with confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day

And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay".

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life, love and fear

My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one your child is OK.

Your baby is here in My home and this is where he'll stay.

He'll wait for you with Me until your lessons through.

And on the day that you come home, he'll be at the gates for you".

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize that you're a mother until their time is done,

Remember all the love you have

And know you are a special mom!

By: Jennifer Wasik

We love you Everett!

Mommy, Daddy, and Lilli

~Steph