Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Surviving the Holidays and something positive...

Starting with the positive first, today we confirmed the location and date for Run 4 Everett. It will be held on August 20, 2011 in Fort Benjamin Harrison State Park. We have a shelter reserved where people can gather before or after the race and will have some "health fair" type information available for the public. We were told we needed to have the date nailed down before Christmas and I wasn't sure that was going to happen, but with a little persistence it got done! And the people with the State Park were great!

Now with the not so positive: I will be so glad to get through the next week and half and be done with 2010. Not that every bad thing will just magically go away when 2010 ends, but to have an unbelievably crappy year behind me is so important in moving forward.

My emotions seem to get the best of me more often than not lately, and my fuse seems to get shorter and shorter. I can't help but feel anger and hurt that our little boy isn't snug in our home this Christmas. Really, it seems I'm just going through the motions of the holidays and hoping that each day passes quicker than the last. Decorating the tree went well until Dave pulled out an ornament that neither of us remembered getting. It is a little boy with reddish colored hair and blue eyes, about the age of 3 sitting inside a little blue airplane. Maybe my parents gave it to us in years past and it didn't really have any significant meaning until it was pulled out this year. I can't help but think of what Everett would be doing if he were at home with us this Christmas. The sparkle in his eyes at all the pretty lights... What color would those eyes have been, would they be blue like Lilli's, hazel like Dave's, or Brown like mine? We never got to see his eyes as he opened them for the first time in Heaven. I wonder if he has things to play with in Heaven, does he get to fly around in a little toy airplane, and do they have a special celebration up there for Jesus' birthday? I wonder if he knows how much his Mommy, Daddy and big sister love him and miss him... Whenever I ask myself that I feel in my heart he knows, that he felt how much he was loved when he was still alive inside me.

I bought him a little toy today (matchbox car), more of a token, from Dave, Lilli and I to take out to the cemetery. I placed it inside of his Christmas stocking which we found in our Christmas stuff as well. It's blue and says 'Baby's first Christmas' on it. We will leave that for him at the cemetery on Christmas Eve. Not where I pictured myself spending time on Christmas Eve this time last year.

Our Lilli has been key to getting through this Christmas season. This is really the first Christmas she has been "aware" of what is going on, loves looking at all the lights on people's homes, talks about Santa coming to our house and just has that magical sparkle in her eyes with all that goes on around her. She loves Menard's anyways, but it's even more special at Christmas with their enchanted forest. If it wasn't for her, I would be perfectly happy skipping Christmas altogether.

This holiday season for me, at least this year, is truly all about surviving each day the best that I can, making it through to the next one and hopefully coming out better at the end.

~Steph

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