Where did the month go?

This month has been extremely stressful, for so many reasons, yet has managed to fly by! Run 4 Everett was a huge success, minus a few bumps that were out of Dave's and my control. Our apologies to you if you ran the 10K and hit the off roading snag that should have never happened!!! We have raised over $10,000 to be given to Kate Cares! That is a huge accomplishment, in my opinion. I had set a goal (this first year) to raise $5000, so double is awesome!

Even with some of the snags in the race, this money will go to help so many families, like us, who deserve answers and will get them. With the stillbirth research that is being done, our hopes would be that no other family has to endure this type of loss in the future. A huge thank you to those who came out to participate, those who donated, those who supported us this past year with this endeavor, and those who volunteered. You made our dream a reality and without you, we could not have accomplished this goal. We plan to tie up remaining loose ends with the race and then will take a month "off" from all things race related. After that it's back to planning for next years event.

I started a new job this month, crazy timing, but it's been going very well. I enjoy the work I'm doing and like that I still get to stay home with Lilli several days a week. I have to say though, it's nice for me to feel useful and fulfilled in a "work" capacity again! Plus Lilli loves her pre-school and friends there.

Summer feels like it is winding down, and with cooling temps you can almost feel a crispness in the air. Although it's supposed to get hot again this weekend. We usually visit an apple orchard or two in the fall and this years visit will be different from last years. We were just starting the healing process and seeing moms with new baby's, around Everett's age, was just torture. I actually broke down to Dave in the middle of the pumpkin patch last year telling him how that should have been us with our new baby. I feel like so much healing has gone on this past year, although there's still plenty more to work on. I hope everyone has a safe Labor Day weekend!

~Steph

Happy Birthday dear Everett!

Dear Everett,

Today is your first birthday. I still can't believe how fast a year has gone. If you were here with us today, we would have gotten to watch you make a mess out of your first birthday cake, covered in icing and enjoying every second of it. We would have watched with joy as you tore open all the pretty wrapping paper and looked at what fun presents you got. We would have looked forward to seeing you walk for the first time, or as it was with your sister, run. We would have smiled at you with love as you called us momma and dada.

We miss you so much, my beautiful boy. We miss everything we would have been doing with you, we miss seeing you, we miss holding you, we miss being with you. I am sure you will have an amazing celebration in Heaven to mark your one year of becoming an Angel, and your birthday. I will always feel a special connection to you because I knew you when you were alive. I feel so lucky and blessed to have gotten to feel you move inside of me and be with me every moment of your life. Daddy, Lilli and I will still celebrate your birthday. You will always be such an important part of our lives.

If I had a wish for your birthday it would be for you to continue to watch over your big sister and be near all of us when we need to feel your presence. It gives us strength and comfort to feel you close by.

I will cherish the memories of bringing you into this world, holding your beautiful body in my arms, rocking you, being able to stroke your soft hair, and feeling the power of all the love I have for you. I will love you forever. I miss you dearly everyday. Happy first Birthday, my amazing son.

Love,

Mommy

August 10, 2010

One year ago today at approximately 5:35pm our beautiful Everett took his last "breath" in my womb of the lobby of "that hospital". I felt him move for the last time, and quite the move it was. It's as though he struggled for the last time and was saying goodbye, so I'd notice. We were still filled with excitement that I was finally being induced and we would soon get to meet our amazing son. It was only minutes later that our life was shattered as we were told that our son no longer had a heart beat. This started the hardest journey of our lives.

Through this process I've grown in ways I never thought possible and have seen my husband grow. I am so proud of him for taking the high road through this grief process. Not that he would have done it any other way. He has been my rock, just as he has for the last 11.5 years of our marriage. But if anything would put that to the test, this experience would.

One of many things I've learned this past year is men and women grieve in COMPLETELY different ways. And there were times I was mad at Dave for that. It seemed like I was the only one falling apart all the time while he had it all together. But he didn't. He took a brief period of time off work and then dove into it head first. I think guys are more susceptible to doing that. His running has been his outlet and his way of being close with Everett. He typically runs in the wee hours of the morning when it's still dark out and the stars are filling the sky. I learned that I had such a different relationship with Everett than he did, so of course we would grieve differently. We had to relearn what normal was for our life. I think we are finally getting there.

I knew before Dave did that Everett had passed. It was after they had been searching for his heartbeat for some time and I just knew he was gone. Dave tried so hard to be optimistic and positive that they'd find it, but I knew differently. I felt in my body and heart that Everett was gone. It wasn't confirmed until the Dr. brought in the ultrasound machines and I'll never forget the look of shock and horror on Dave's face. His beautiful son he had wanted for so long was gone.

I know there will be sadness today as it marks the one year point of our son missing from our lives. But tomorrow, we choose to celebrate Everett's birth and what his life means to us. We all miss him terribly and our hearts still ache for what should have been.

~Steph

I Hate Stress

I hate stress. I seem to ALWAYS encounter it, and over the years have learned (a little) how to handle it better. Although lately, my depression and grief issues over loosing Everett has surfaced full force making most things that don't go as I planned or expected stressful. I hate that!

I woke up early this morning to a familiar tingling sensation and slight pain in my upper lip. Yep, it's cold-sores. I officially have worn my immune system down. So now I have to deal with these unsightly, painful blisters on my lip, in addition to swollen glands in my neck. Good times. (Note the sarcasm)

There have been a number of things stressing me out lately, but I didn't realize how much until early this morning when the physical result of stress smacked me right in my lip. One thing that really frustrates me is people who say they are going to do something, and you count on them to do it, and then they don't follow through. I'm mainly speaking in regards to the race. There have only been a very few select people I have been able to trust/count on to help me with things, and those people I/we greatly appreciate, are like gold, and should be treated as such. We have some amazing friends who have helped spread the word, flyer-ed all over town, and generally have been there for us over this past year. You know who you are and Dave and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts! The others, well, I just need to let that go.

Another thing that has been extremely stressful and something I haven't shared, except with a few select people is that we've been trying to conceive, rather unsuccessfully (surprise, surprise), for many months. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this because I don't want people asking me all the time if I'm pregnant, how things are going, or anything else about it. I always run a risk of miscarriage because of medical things going on with me and know that if or when I get pregnant again, it's not going to be an easy or anxiety free road. I don't think I'll breathe a sigh of relief until I get to hold a healthy, living, breathing child in my arms. And I know there's never any guarantee that the child will be either. I know that sounds kind of crass, but I no longer get to live in a world where bad things don't happen to me, or others I know or care about. My innocence bubble got popped wide open a little while ago.

Things get tweaked with my fertility procedures each month, I get to take the hormonal roller-coaster known as fertility drugs and every month we complete a fertility procedure to try and get pregnant. So far nothing is working and my fertility specialist suspects I might have a polyp in my uterus acting like an IUD. So I have a procedure scheduled to see if that is the case, and if so, will have to have surgery to remove it and then time to heal afterwards. I was really upset about that at first, but think I'm really ready for a break as fertility treatments, meds, procedures, etc. are emotionally draining. They were draining the first two times as well (trying for Lilli and Everett). I hope that this is the cause of why we haven't been able to get pregnant and they can fix it and we can move on with this next chapter.

Lately I have been thinking more about how much longer we are going to try for another baby. Merely for the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in this idea of what my life was supposed to look like. I was supposed to have two, living children. We still very much want another child to join our home and Lilli has been telling me for over a week that she wants a sister this time. She said she already has a brother, and isn't real crazy with how that turned out. We don't discuss the fertility stuff with her, or that we're trying. She's told us this all on her own accord and says there's a little girl in Heaven waiting for us to be her parents, and for Lilli to be her big sister. I wonder who that might be. It makes me smile to hear her talk about this. According to Lilli, she's hanging out with Everett, but at some point will join us here on earth and in our homes to stay. I'm not sure where my child gets this stuff, honestly.

So just a few stresses going on lately. Hopefully my lip clears up before race day and I can fit some exercise into my schedule to help with the stress levels that are likely to only go up this week as we face Everett's first Birthday. I miss that little boy so much.

~Steph