Saturday, February 26, 2011

To try or not to try? That is the million dollar question!

I've been asked several times ever since Everett passed, "are you going to try for another one"? I think someone even asked me this the day of his funeral. I was told that people would say stupid things and to be prepared for that and we were for the most part. I do remember one of my grandmother's old friend's saying to me at the funeral, "don't worry honey, you'll have more children". I know she meant well by this statement but I couldn't help but want to yell at her, 'You have no idea how badly we wanted this child. You have any idea how much he meant to us, how much he will be missed and how he can never be replaced by another child', nor would it be fair to another child to do that. But I didn't say that. I just nodded and moved on.

I remember thinking throughout my difficult pregnancy that I was so glad this was our last child. We were finally going to complete our family. I also remember people telling us how lucky we were to have one of each. I honestly didn't care what the gender was of the baby, I just wanted our baby to be healthy. It was the same with Lilli. I have some metabolic issues I was diagnosed with in my early 20's and getting pregnant is not an easy thing for us. Both Lilli and Everett were conceived with the assistance of an amazing reproductive endocrinologist here in Indy. It took may months of fertility drugs, injections, ultrasounds, doctor appointments, hormonal roller coaster ride after hormonal roller coaster ride, and other invasive processes to get them. Then the pregnancy themselves took a toll on me. When I was on bed rest in the hospital, about a week and a half before Everett died, I thought to myself that this would be totally worth it in the end. And you know what, even with the circumstances that occurred, he was still totally worth it. If I could have the ability to choose the way things turned out, I would undoubtedly choose for him to be here with us and to not be going through what we have and will continue to go through. But I got to carry and fall in love with this beautiful red headed little boy, who wasn't so little, and who's long term legacy will go on to (hopefully) help so many other families in the future.

So when I'm asked the question, "Are you going to try for another", it's not that easy of an answer. I would love to have another child, or two if pregnancy was a piece of cake for me, but pregnancy itself scares the crap out of me. So does completely loosing my faith with physicians, people you are supposed to be able to trust. I put my trust in the people that were supposed to care for me and our son. I tried to advocate for myself and for Everett and no one listened. Would it be any different with a different doctor?

Dave and I met with a new Maternal Fetal Medicine Doc, in a different hospital system, for a pre-conception meeting. She looked through all 8 or 9 inches worth of my medical records before our appointment from my pregnancy with Everett. She assured me things would be completely different if we decided to get pregnant again. I got the feeling from her that she wasn't just telling us what we wanted and needed to hear. That she would actually follow through with her words.

We have a plan, we have a new team put together but I am not emotionally ready for that journey. I thought I would be by now and even gave myself a deadline. I came to a realization after much soul searching that a new member of our household shouldn't have a deadline on when to potentially arrive. I didn't want that big of an age gap between Lilli and whoever would come after and thought it was perfect with she and Ev being just about three years apart. Now that's just not an option. Our lives have changed and that is completely out of our control. How much of life is truly in our control? I'm learning that not much, if any, of it is. Although I still like to tell myself differently because it makes me feel better! :) I've decided to continue to let myself heal further emotionally before pushing the issue. I don't know when I'll be ready or if I'll be ready, but I think I owe it to myself and the next child to give myself the time I need before jumping into an already emotional process.

The six month marker of Everett's death has been the hardest, for me, by far. It makes me nervous for the one year anniversary, but at least we will be surrounded by friends and family who are planning to attend the inaugural Run 4 Everett. Things are coming together, slowly but surely, and I am pretty certain it's going to be a great event!

~Steph

2 comments:

  1. Big hugs to you. I am a new follower of yours. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son Everett. I love unique names, his his beautiful. My two daughters, Naomi & Sadie. My sweet Naomi was born at 28 weeks , emergency c section to severe preeclampsia, 1 lb 12 oz April 27, 2009. She survived 35 days in the NICU and then very tragically passed away June 1, 2009 due to a very bad illness she got. I was not with the father after, we divorced and what not , well I had reached back out to him from our loss, and unexpectly became pregnant again 7 months later, Jan 2010. I wasn't ready I don't think. I was so scared I was going to get it again, and I thought what have I done, I was 22, now 23, and just I didnt feel I was emotionally ready yet. And I didn't "try" to get pregnant, I just was lost in my grief, confused hurt, all emotions, and I crieddd when I found out I was pregnant. But she did make it here safe and sound "my rainbow baby" Sadie. BIg hugs to you, and def do not feel you have to rush into anything. I dont think one will ever be fully ready, in my opninon, some women want to get pregnant right away to fill that void, some dont for a while, it all depends. Hang in there and what a beautiful thing you are doing for your baby boy. xox

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  2. Thanks Jill! I just checked out your beautiful girls on your blog. Naomi was a doll!

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