Where did the month go?

This month has been extremely stressful, for so many reasons, yet has managed to fly by! Run 4 Everett was a huge success, minus a few bumps that were out of Dave's and my control. Our apologies to you if you ran the 10K and hit the off roading snag that should have never happened!!! We have raised over $10,000 to be given to Kate Cares! That is a huge accomplishment, in my opinion. I had set a goal (this first year) to raise $5000, so double is awesome!

Even with some of the snags in the race, this money will go to help so many families, like us, who deserve answers and will get them. With the stillbirth research that is being done, our hopes would be that no other family has to endure this type of loss in the future. A huge thank you to those who came out to participate, those who donated, those who supported us this past year with this endeavor, and those who volunteered. You made our dream a reality and without you, we could not have accomplished this goal. We plan to tie up remaining loose ends with the race and then will take a month "off" from all things race related. After that it's back to planning for next years event.

I started a new job this month, crazy timing, but it's been going very well. I enjoy the work I'm doing and like that I still get to stay home with Lilli several days a week. I have to say though, it's nice for me to feel useful and fulfilled in a "work" capacity again! Plus Lilli loves her pre-school and friends there.

Summer feels like it is winding down, and with cooling temps you can almost feel a crispness in the air. Although it's supposed to get hot again this weekend. We usually visit an apple orchard or two in the fall and this years visit will be different from last years. We were just starting the healing process and seeing moms with new baby's, around Everett's age, was just torture. I actually broke down to Dave in the middle of the pumpkin patch last year telling him how that should have been us with our new baby. I feel like so much healing has gone on this past year, although there's still plenty more to work on. I hope everyone has a safe Labor Day weekend!

~Steph

Happy Birthday dear Everett!

Dear Everett,

Today is your first birthday. I still can't believe how fast a year has gone. If you were here with us today, we would have gotten to watch you make a mess out of your first birthday cake, covered in icing and enjoying every second of it. We would have watched with joy as you tore open all the pretty wrapping paper and looked at what fun presents you got. We would have looked forward to seeing you walk for the first time, or as it was with your sister, run. We would have smiled at you with love as you called us momma and dada.

We miss you so much, my beautiful boy. We miss everything we would have been doing with you, we miss seeing you, we miss holding you, we miss being with you. I am sure you will have an amazing celebration in Heaven to mark your one year of becoming an Angel, and your birthday. I will always feel a special connection to you because I knew you when you were alive. I feel so lucky and blessed to have gotten to feel you move inside of me and be with me every moment of your life. Daddy, Lilli and I will still celebrate your birthday. You will always be such an important part of our lives.

If I had a wish for your birthday it would be for you to continue to watch over your big sister and be near all of us when we need to feel your presence. It gives us strength and comfort to feel you close by.

I will cherish the memories of bringing you into this world, holding your beautiful body in my arms, rocking you, being able to stroke your soft hair, and feeling the power of all the love I have for you. I will love you forever. I miss you dearly everyday. Happy first Birthday, my amazing son.

Love,

Mommy

August 10, 2010

One year ago today at approximately 5:35pm our beautiful Everett took his last "breath" in my womb of the lobby of "that hospital". I felt him move for the last time, and quite the move it was. It's as though he struggled for the last time and was saying goodbye, so I'd notice. We were still filled with excitement that I was finally being induced and we would soon get to meet our amazing son. It was only minutes later that our life was shattered as we were told that our son no longer had a heart beat. This started the hardest journey of our lives.

Through this process I've grown in ways I never thought possible and have seen my husband grow. I am so proud of him for taking the high road through this grief process. Not that he would have done it any other way. He has been my rock, just as he has for the last 11.5 years of our marriage. But if anything would put that to the test, this experience would.

One of many things I've learned this past year is men and women grieve in COMPLETELY different ways. And there were times I was mad at Dave for that. It seemed like I was the only one falling apart all the time while he had it all together. But he didn't. He took a brief period of time off work and then dove into it head first. I think guys are more susceptible to doing that. His running has been his outlet and his way of being close with Everett. He typically runs in the wee hours of the morning when it's still dark out and the stars are filling the sky. I learned that I had such a different relationship with Everett than he did, so of course we would grieve differently. We had to relearn what normal was for our life. I think we are finally getting there.

I knew before Dave did that Everett had passed. It was after they had been searching for his heartbeat for some time and I just knew he was gone. Dave tried so hard to be optimistic and positive that they'd find it, but I knew differently. I felt in my body and heart that Everett was gone. It wasn't confirmed until the Dr. brought in the ultrasound machines and I'll never forget the look of shock and horror on Dave's face. His beautiful son he had wanted for so long was gone.

I know there will be sadness today as it marks the one year point of our son missing from our lives. But tomorrow, we choose to celebrate Everett's birth and what his life means to us. We all miss him terribly and our hearts still ache for what should have been.

~Steph

I Hate Stress

I hate stress. I seem to ALWAYS encounter it, and over the years have learned (a little) how to handle it better. Although lately, my depression and grief issues over loosing Everett has surfaced full force making most things that don't go as I planned or expected stressful. I hate that!

I woke up early this morning to a familiar tingling sensation and slight pain in my upper lip. Yep, it's cold-sores. I officially have worn my immune system down. So now I have to deal with these unsightly, painful blisters on my lip, in addition to swollen glands in my neck. Good times. (Note the sarcasm)

There have been a number of things stressing me out lately, but I didn't realize how much until early this morning when the physical result of stress smacked me right in my lip. One thing that really frustrates me is people who say they are going to do something, and you count on them to do it, and then they don't follow through. I'm mainly speaking in regards to the race. There have only been a very few select people I have been able to trust/count on to help me with things, and those people I/we greatly appreciate, are like gold, and should be treated as such. We have some amazing friends who have helped spread the word, flyer-ed all over town, and generally have been there for us over this past year. You know who you are and Dave and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts! The others, well, I just need to let that go.

Another thing that has been extremely stressful and something I haven't shared, except with a few select people is that we've been trying to conceive, rather unsuccessfully (surprise, surprise), for many months. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this because I don't want people asking me all the time if I'm pregnant, how things are going, or anything else about it. I always run a risk of miscarriage because of medical things going on with me and know that if or when I get pregnant again, it's not going to be an easy or anxiety free road. I don't think I'll breathe a sigh of relief until I get to hold a healthy, living, breathing child in my arms. And I know there's never any guarantee that the child will be either. I know that sounds kind of crass, but I no longer get to live in a world where bad things don't happen to me, or others I know or care about. My innocence bubble got popped wide open a little while ago.

Things get tweaked with my fertility procedures each month, I get to take the hormonal roller-coaster known as fertility drugs and every month we complete a fertility procedure to try and get pregnant. So far nothing is working and my fertility specialist suspects I might have a polyp in my uterus acting like an IUD. So I have a procedure scheduled to see if that is the case, and if so, will have to have surgery to remove it and then time to heal afterwards. I was really upset about that at first, but think I'm really ready for a break as fertility treatments, meds, procedures, etc. are emotionally draining. They were draining the first two times as well (trying for Lilli and Everett). I hope that this is the cause of why we haven't been able to get pregnant and they can fix it and we can move on with this next chapter.

Lately I have been thinking more about how much longer we are going to try for another baby. Merely for the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in this idea of what my life was supposed to look like. I was supposed to have two, living children. We still very much want another child to join our home and Lilli has been telling me for over a week that she wants a sister this time. She said she already has a brother, and isn't real crazy with how that turned out. We don't discuss the fertility stuff with her, or that we're trying. She's told us this all on her own accord and says there's a little girl in Heaven waiting for us to be her parents, and for Lilli to be her big sister. I wonder who that might be. It makes me smile to hear her talk about this. According to Lilli, she's hanging out with Everett, but at some point will join us here on earth and in our homes to stay. I'm not sure where my child gets this stuff, honestly.

So just a few stresses going on lately. Hopefully my lip clears up before race day and I can fit some exercise into my schedule to help with the stress levels that are likely to only go up this week as we face Everett's first Birthday. I miss that little boy so much.

~Steph

Warning: Bumpy Road Ahead

I've been handling my grief pretty well lately and feel like I've accomplished some major healing milestones in this past year, so I was surprised when my grief snuck up on me and hit me in the head like a ton of bricks last night. I'm not sure exactly what triggered it. Usually something does.

I was putting Lilli to sleep last night and just started thinking about how this time last year when I put her to bed, I had Everett with me. He was alive, and we were anticipating his arrival at any time, due to all the problems I was having in the pregnancy. I started thinking about how it's almost the month of August, and almost to the one year mark of when he died, and then when he was born. I started crying and couldn't stop for a while. It's been a long time since I've really let myself cry, so there was quite a back up of tears. I miss Everett so much right now, it hurts almost as bad as it did when we lost him. That, I wasn't expecting. I know there will always be a void, along with missing, and sadness, but it's like the grief scab got ripped wide open. All I can say is, this really sucks. Big time!

I asked my husband through tears tonight, "why did this have to happen to us"? He pointed out the fact that why does it have to happen to anyone. We aren't exempt, we aren't any different from the other 26,000 woman in the US each year who loose a baby through stillbirth. I guess this whole thing is a continual work in progress and I know will take so much more time to heal. One year is not much time in the grand scheme of things. But still, it really does suck.

~Steph

Brain Clog

This week is completely flying by, for me, and I feel like I'm running out of time to get everything done that needs to be done. I start work next week and have tried to cram one too many things into my week before I go back.

I feel like my brain is on overload and am having a difficult time formulating simple thoughts at times. That's a little troublesome. I have learned to laugh at myself (A LOT) lately when that starts to happen. It's like I know what I want to say, and mean to say, but it doesn't come out that way.

The very first Run 4 Everett is only three weeks from Saturday and I'm starting to feel the pressure. It's like planning my wedding all over again, except with more people and without the nightmares that I'm wearing the wrong dress! This event is a BIG DEAL! I want things to run as smoothly as possible, I want people to have a good time, and I want families who've experienced a loss feel like they matter. I also know that things like this aren't without flaws and I can't make everyone happy. I've certainly found that out from a few sour folks along the way. A couple of those folks I encountered last week. It really reminds me that no matter what we've been through this past year, some people really are just that unhappy in their own lives and will try to take you down with them. You know the old saying, "Misery loves company".

I think part of the other reason my brain is clogged is that we are quickly approaching Everett's first birthday. He would have been turning one, two weeks from tomorrow. That seems so hard to believe. One year ago today I was halfway through my high risk stay at the hospital, and a year ago tomorrow was when my doctors made the first fateful decision to send me home, when they should have been delivering me instead. I don't know if those doctors ever think about those decisions they made and their consequences of not listening to the testing (Everett), not listening to themselves, and not listening to me. I hope in some ways, not ill intended, that those moments and decisions haunt them in their medical careers, if not for any other purpose but to remind them not make the same mistakes with another baby and family.

I made my last ditch effort to speak on behalf of Everett by filing an official complaint with our State's Attorney Generals Office, against the OBGYN practice and Maternal Fetal Medicine Office that were responsible for Everett's death. It's the last form of recourse we have in having an "official" person review what happened, and possibly file something against the physicians medical licenses. It was found by both attorney's and three other medical specialists that medical standard of care was not met and had it been met, Everett would have (most likely) been here. I'm really hoping something happens with this, but not holding my breath either.

Each day that moves forward is a day further ahead in the healing process. On the flip side, each passing day gets me further away from remembering what my little boy felt like in my arms, what he smelled like, and how soft his hair felt. That has been hard for me as we quickly approach the first anniversary. And could be another reason my brain has been clogged up lately. So many emotions, and feelings to sort through.

Lilli continues to tell me how God and Jesus take care of Everett and all his needs, and how nice they are to him. That gives me comfort to hear from her, even though I already know it in my heart. Someday, I will have to write a blog called the God and Jesus chronicles. Lilli really does have ALL kinds of stories of things that Everett does with them. Apparently they take him shopping in Heaven, and bought him a toy similar to what Dave and I had purchased for him shortly before he died. It's so he wouldn't miss it, and us so much, she said.

I really do count my blessings with my amazing little girl. I'm so proud to be both she and Everett's mommy. Maybe once this upcoming month passes, my brain will start to function at a more normal capacity. One can only hope!

~Steph

Turning the corner

I have some news. Good news for a change! I got a job! Not just any job. When I was going through this process of seeking employment, I was careful with who and what I chose to apply and submit resumes to. I didn't want to just get any job that would bring income in, it had to mean something to me. It needed to be someplace I would enjoy staying for a long while, and someplace that was supportive in general with their employees.

I think I applied for around 15 different positions at a variety of places that fit that criteria in the last 8 months. Interviews were few and far between. I saw some report on Yahoo this week that actually listed Indianapolis as the top little big city to live for a variety of reasons. One being job growth and low unemployment rates, compared to the rest of the US. Although I know that with me personally and several other people I know, weren't experiencing this when applying for jobs. It seems the applicant pool here is huge and would take knowing someone to get your foot in the door for an interview. That's what happened to me with this new job.

I interviewed for this new position last week. Of course, when I left I thought of about a million more things I should have, or could have said to sell myself to them. I felt uncertain about how the interview went. Isn't that how it usually goes? I got the call I had been waiting so long to hear, yesterday, that I got the job! I was ecstatic! Finally! This isn't just any job either. It's something that I've been very interested in for a variety of reasons. I will be working at an adoption agency, being a part of a team that helps families make their dreams of completing them a reality. It doesn't get much better than that, at least in my opinion. I will be working part time, which is also, in my opinion, the best of both worlds. Lilli is excited and a little apprehensive about returning to pre-school. She asked me, and told me, she wants to go to work with me. It will be a change from what we've both been used to for this past year, but it's going to be a positive one. I'm so glad she will be returning to such an amazing, and supportive pre-school. She starts Kindergarten in just two short years! That will be here before we know it!

The new job starts during an incredibly hectic month for me, August, but I know I can handle it, and I'm so ready for it! I will also, by chance, be off on Everett's first birthday, which is important to me. We plan on spending the day as a family and will visit Everett at the cemetery with some small birthday goodies and balloons. I have no doubt that a big celebration will be planned in Heaven, with all his friends and family, up there, in attendance. I recently found out that two other angel's (in the Indianapolis area) joined him into Heaven at the same time and share the same birthday. Their special mommies will be walking and running in their memory at Everett's race next month.

It feels good to be rejoining the working world and I'm so excited for this next step and adventure in my life!

~Steph