A little bit of crazy!

Well, I've been working my way, for a little while, into my first (un-official) breakdown. At 15 weeks I started feeling this little baby moving periodically. I wasn't expecting big kicks, just some swishing, rolling, and a foot here or there. Maybe once or twice a day and I was happy with that. Then something changed. I'm not sure if it was the position or what, but I've been feeling increasingly un-easy this past week. For the last three days, I've been feeling nothing, nada, zip, zero movement. Not good for a woman who had a stillborn baby only last year! My mind has taken me all kinds of ugly places this week and I have gone back and forth from being OK to feeling like I'm going to loose it. Just needing a little something from the baby to let me know that beautiful heart is still beating. I don't think that's too much for a mama to ask for.

I figured once I started feeling some sort of movement, I would be less anxious. Finally, I would be getting reassurance this little one was alive. But as it turns out, this pregnancy has been very different from the previous two. I've had elements of both pregnancies wrapped into this one. I had no morning sickness with Lilli and overall felt pretty good, tired, but good. With Everett I developed a very strong gag reflex in my throat and would throw up most mornings. I've had the gag reflex with this one, but it hasn't been as bad, only getting sick once or twice a week and at 17+ weeks, it appears to be subsiding (where it lasted the entire time with Everett). I felt Lilli move for the first time around 16 weeks and she was pretty regular with her movements. I felt Everett around 15 weeks, probably because I knew what to look for. The movements never stopped with either of them and got stronger the further along I got. This baby, however, is throwing me through a loop.

I've been on edge for the last few days with feeling nothing from this baby. I've been having bizarre dreams about the pregnancy when I sleep at night, and wake up with my mind focused on worrying why I'm not feeling any movement. After I eat dinner, I'll lay quietly on my side trying to feel something, anything and have gotten nothing. My fears got the best of me today so I ended up contacting the grief and loss nurse at the hospital where I switched my care. She was really supportive and positive and told me to contact my on call Dr., which I did. I went in for some reassurance to listen to the heart beat, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. It's what you do when you've gone through what I have.

The first nurse came in and was very pleasant. She put the doppler on my belly and looked and looked and looked. She couldn't find a heart beat. I was trying to stay positive, but it was growing increasingly hard. Then another nurse came in for a try. She looked, and looked and looked. She tried all kinds of positions and angels with the doppler and after some hard prodding, I lost it, started crying and begged them to just get an ultrasound machine. My fears had overcome me. It was like flashing back to Everett all over again. I could see the worry in my husbands face. My daughter tried to tell me things would be OK and rubbed my arm. I wasn't so sure though. They paged the Dr. to come in and set up the ultrasound machine. The doctor put the probe on my belly and saw the heart beating. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then the baby started moving all over the place. I couldn't feel one bit of that baby moving! I finally had some reassurance. We left the triage area and I broke down in tears. I knew this road was going to be hard, but this is much harder than I imagined. Especially with not being able to feel this little one move!

I was able to come up with a plan with the grief and loss nurse for extra reassurance in between appointments, since apparently this little booger is going to be so much different than the big brother and big sister that came before. I love you little squishy, but please, please, be kind to your mama. Feel free to kick the crap out of me (while your in there) and I promise never to complain!

~Steph

Long Road

I'm not gonna lie. This pregnancy after loss thing has been hard for me. It's not hard every day, but some days my mind is my own worst enemy. I've been trying to change that with more positive thinking, distraction, and anything else that will get me through the day. I'm hoping it will get better with more regular movement, and reassurance through the big anatomy scan, that things are looking OK.

I'll be 16 weeks on Friday. I have an ultrasound scheduled and it cannot get here soon enough! I will always have that image in my head of the last time we saw Everett on an ultrasound and that flicker, where his heart was, was gone. I worry everytime I go in for an ultrasound with this baby we might see the same thing. I've been told, by experts, this is normal. It doesn't feel normal. It sucks.

I struggle between wanting to be happy and cherrish every minute I get to spend with this baby, and having a protective bubble formed around myself to help ease the blow of something that "might" go wrong. No one gets to know what the future might hold for them and I am no different from that. We found out at my last ultrasound that they were 75% sure of the gender. We will find out 100% on Friday, if the baby cooperates. I am hoping this will help with the bonding process so we can finally put a name on this munchkin. Although we plan to keep the name to ourselves.

Lilli is starting to get very attached to this baby and likes to hold and hug my belly regularly. This was something we encouraged when I was pregnant with Everett so she could try and bond with her little brother. We didn't encourage it this time around for fear of the unknown and wanting to protect her from the pain, grief, and loss she felt after Everett was gone. She just likes to do it on her own and I no longer discourage her from doing so. If that gives her comfort, then so be it. A couple of weeks ago she hugged my belly tightly and told me she doesn't want this baby to die. She wants this baby to come home with us. I told her that daddy and I very much want the same thing. That about completely broke my heart to hear her say.

I ended up having to change some things around recently, mainly with a new OB. It was unbelievably important for me, and my husband, to get what we needed from our doctor. First and foremost, an understanding of what we had been through with Everett and how that affects this pregnancy. Because it does affect this pregnancy. Also, not holding me to a delivery standard, because if I've learned anything with my last two children, it's that I don't fit in the neat little bell curve of other pregnant woman (really there shouldn't be one). I happen to be way off in left field somewhere. We got into that with Everett, being told I HAD to make it to 37 weeks regardless of what was going on inside of me and with him. I'll be damned it that's giong to happen again. I want and need to be listened to! I never was with Everett. While it would be good for the baby to make it to a "safe" gestational age, I've never had a baby survive in the womb that long. Lilli came at 34.5 weeks and Everett died at 35 weeks 6 days. I think we are finally on the right path, which helps ease anxitey on that level.

This has certainly been, and will continue to be, a long road. One that we are willing to take, because the end result is so worth it. I can't wait for this rainbow baby to get here next year, but for now, I still have to take things one day at a time.

~Steph

It's been a while...

So I've been pretty quiet on the blog front for a while now. It's certainly not been for a lack of things to say. I've just not been sure when the right time is to talk about what's been going on over the past couple of months. So I'll just start...

We've been undergoing fertility treatments a good chunk of the year. We decided to give it one last go before I had further testing done. It was time for me to take a pregnancy test on Everett's birthday (Aug. 11) and much to our surprise, it came out positive. We were happy, scared, worried, happy, and a little terrified all mixed into one package of emotions. I didn't have much time to think about it because it was just over a week before Run 4 Everett. We got through all of that and a week after the race I started having some bleeding, well, a lot of bleeding. I feared I was miscarrying. After an early ultrasound it turned out I wasn't. They weren't sure what was going on. I had a few more scares like this over the next several weeks.

After my 8 week appointment with my fertility specialist, I was officially handed off to my MFM (maternal fetal medicine OB-AKA: high risk OB). Dave and I handed picked her after everything we went through with Everett. Obviously we would not be using the same hospital system and doctors that let him die. The bleeding and spotting subsided and I started feeling a tiny bit more comfortable with our new situation. However, please know that comfort, bliss and pure, uninhibited happiness, will not be emotions we will experience throughout this pregnancy until this child is born alive and well, safe in our arms. I am still holding my breath each day that passes.

We attended the Walk to Remember at St. Francis Hospital last weekend. It was a beautiful, perfect day. As they got ready to read our babies names, a big gust of wind swept over the crowd, kind of like our babies were there with us. Dave, Lilli and I participated in the walk, along with many of our baby loss friends and their families. I had an incident, a little after the walk, where I felt like I may have leaked some fluid. It is the third baby, things just don't work like they used to! We got to my in-laws to visit with my sister-in-law and family who came in from out of state for a visit. I headed to the bathroom and much to my surprise I was covered in blood. How could this be happening, I thought! I immediately told Dave we needed to go to the ER. I was horribly upset and prepared myself for the worst, seeing that blank spot in the baby where the heart is supposed to be beating. They paged someone from OB to come down and perform the ultrasound. I held my breath, I prayed. As the doctor put the probe on my belly, there was that beautiful flicker, and the baby was in the middle of doing somersaults! We still have no idea what happened to cause the bleeding.

Today I had an appointment to check for possible chromosomal abnormalities and the ultrasound part came out well. Besides, anytime I get to see this baby, and it's beautiful heart beating I am happy. We will wait for the combo results of the screen to come back in another week and then part two of it at 16 weeks. I will be 12 weeks tomorrow. We were able to find out (for the most part) what we are having. The tech, who is awesome, was 75% sure on the gender, but we won't be revealing that for a little while. Good to keep some things to ourselves! :) I also plan to not decorate the nursery or buy anything until after this one arrives safely. We have plenty of gender neutral clothing, we have a crib and bassinet, bottles and diapers sitting in the closet.

As I approach the end of my first trimester, I do not feel safe. Most people do when they hit that 13 or 14 week mark. I know too much, I have seen too much, and I have been through too much to ever feel safe again. Right now, we are taking each day as it comes and thankful for each day we get to spend with this little one. Nerves have certainly been worn down already and we pray that we get to greet this beautiful life with tears of happiness come mid-late March.

P.S. Don't ask me what my due date is, it's irrelevant.

~Steph

Where did the month go?

This month has been extremely stressful, for so many reasons, yet has managed to fly by! Run 4 Everett was a huge success, minus a few bumps that were out of Dave's and my control. Our apologies to you if you ran the 10K and hit the off roading snag that should have never happened!!! We have raised over $10,000 to be given to Kate Cares! That is a huge accomplishment, in my opinion. I had set a goal (this first year) to raise $5000, so double is awesome!

Even with some of the snags in the race, this money will go to help so many families, like us, who deserve answers and will get them. With the stillbirth research that is being done, our hopes would be that no other family has to endure this type of loss in the future. A huge thank you to those who came out to participate, those who donated, those who supported us this past year with this endeavor, and those who volunteered. You made our dream a reality and without you, we could not have accomplished this goal. We plan to tie up remaining loose ends with the race and then will take a month "off" from all things race related. After that it's back to planning for next years event.

I started a new job this month, crazy timing, but it's been going very well. I enjoy the work I'm doing and like that I still get to stay home with Lilli several days a week. I have to say though, it's nice for me to feel useful and fulfilled in a "work" capacity again! Plus Lilli loves her pre-school and friends there.

Summer feels like it is winding down, and with cooling temps you can almost feel a crispness in the air. Although it's supposed to get hot again this weekend. We usually visit an apple orchard or two in the fall and this years visit will be different from last years. We were just starting the healing process and seeing moms with new baby's, around Everett's age, was just torture. I actually broke down to Dave in the middle of the pumpkin patch last year telling him how that should have been us with our new baby. I feel like so much healing has gone on this past year, although there's still plenty more to work on. I hope everyone has a safe Labor Day weekend!

~Steph

Happy Birthday dear Everett!

Dear Everett,

Today is your first birthday. I still can't believe how fast a year has gone. If you were here with us today, we would have gotten to watch you make a mess out of your first birthday cake, covered in icing and enjoying every second of it. We would have watched with joy as you tore open all the pretty wrapping paper and looked at what fun presents you got. We would have looked forward to seeing you walk for the first time, or as it was with your sister, run. We would have smiled at you with love as you called us momma and dada.

We miss you so much, my beautiful boy. We miss everything we would have been doing with you, we miss seeing you, we miss holding you, we miss being with you. I am sure you will have an amazing celebration in Heaven to mark your one year of becoming an Angel, and your birthday. I will always feel a special connection to you because I knew you when you were alive. I feel so lucky and blessed to have gotten to feel you move inside of me and be with me every moment of your life. Daddy, Lilli and I will still celebrate your birthday. You will always be such an important part of our lives.

If I had a wish for your birthday it would be for you to continue to watch over your big sister and be near all of us when we need to feel your presence. It gives us strength and comfort to feel you close by.

I will cherish the memories of bringing you into this world, holding your beautiful body in my arms, rocking you, being able to stroke your soft hair, and feeling the power of all the love I have for you. I will love you forever. I miss you dearly everyday. Happy first Birthday, my amazing son.

Love,

Mommy

August 10, 2010

One year ago today at approximately 5:35pm our beautiful Everett took his last "breath" in my womb of the lobby of "that hospital". I felt him move for the last time, and quite the move it was. It's as though he struggled for the last time and was saying goodbye, so I'd notice. We were still filled with excitement that I was finally being induced and we would soon get to meet our amazing son. It was only minutes later that our life was shattered as we were told that our son no longer had a heart beat. This started the hardest journey of our lives.

Through this process I've grown in ways I never thought possible and have seen my husband grow. I am so proud of him for taking the high road through this grief process. Not that he would have done it any other way. He has been my rock, just as he has for the last 11.5 years of our marriage. But if anything would put that to the test, this experience would.

One of many things I've learned this past year is men and women grieve in COMPLETELY different ways. And there were times I was mad at Dave for that. It seemed like I was the only one falling apart all the time while he had it all together. But he didn't. He took a brief period of time off work and then dove into it head first. I think guys are more susceptible to doing that. His running has been his outlet and his way of being close with Everett. He typically runs in the wee hours of the morning when it's still dark out and the stars are filling the sky. I learned that I had such a different relationship with Everett than he did, so of course we would grieve differently. We had to relearn what normal was for our life. I think we are finally getting there.

I knew before Dave did that Everett had passed. It was after they had been searching for his heartbeat for some time and I just knew he was gone. Dave tried so hard to be optimistic and positive that they'd find it, but I knew differently. I felt in my body and heart that Everett was gone. It wasn't confirmed until the Dr. brought in the ultrasound machines and I'll never forget the look of shock and horror on Dave's face. His beautiful son he had wanted for so long was gone.

I know there will be sadness today as it marks the one year point of our son missing from our lives. But tomorrow, we choose to celebrate Everett's birth and what his life means to us. We all miss him terribly and our hearts still ache for what should have been.

~Steph

I Hate Stress

I hate stress. I seem to ALWAYS encounter it, and over the years have learned (a little) how to handle it better. Although lately, my depression and grief issues over loosing Everett has surfaced full force making most things that don't go as I planned or expected stressful. I hate that!

I woke up early this morning to a familiar tingling sensation and slight pain in my upper lip. Yep, it's cold-sores. I officially have worn my immune system down. So now I have to deal with these unsightly, painful blisters on my lip, in addition to swollen glands in my neck. Good times. (Note the sarcasm)

There have been a number of things stressing me out lately, but I didn't realize how much until early this morning when the physical result of stress smacked me right in my lip. One thing that really frustrates me is people who say they are going to do something, and you count on them to do it, and then they don't follow through. I'm mainly speaking in regards to the race. There have only been a very few select people I have been able to trust/count on to help me with things, and those people I/we greatly appreciate, are like gold, and should be treated as such. We have some amazing friends who have helped spread the word, flyer-ed all over town, and generally have been there for us over this past year. You know who you are and Dave and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts! The others, well, I just need to let that go.

Another thing that has been extremely stressful and something I haven't shared, except with a few select people is that we've been trying to conceive, rather unsuccessfully (surprise, surprise), for many months. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this because I don't want people asking me all the time if I'm pregnant, how things are going, or anything else about it. I always run a risk of miscarriage because of medical things going on with me and know that if or when I get pregnant again, it's not going to be an easy or anxiety free road. I don't think I'll breathe a sigh of relief until I get to hold a healthy, living, breathing child in my arms. And I know there's never any guarantee that the child will be either. I know that sounds kind of crass, but I no longer get to live in a world where bad things don't happen to me, or others I know or care about. My innocence bubble got popped wide open a little while ago.

Things get tweaked with my fertility procedures each month, I get to take the hormonal roller-coaster known as fertility drugs and every month we complete a fertility procedure to try and get pregnant. So far nothing is working and my fertility specialist suspects I might have a polyp in my uterus acting like an IUD. So I have a procedure scheduled to see if that is the case, and if so, will have to have surgery to remove it and then time to heal afterwards. I was really upset about that at first, but think I'm really ready for a break as fertility treatments, meds, procedures, etc. are emotionally draining. They were draining the first two times as well (trying for Lilli and Everett). I hope that this is the cause of why we haven't been able to get pregnant and they can fix it and we can move on with this next chapter.

Lately I have been thinking more about how much longer we are going to try for another baby. Merely for the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in this idea of what my life was supposed to look like. I was supposed to have two, living children. We still very much want another child to join our home and Lilli has been telling me for over a week that she wants a sister this time. She said she already has a brother, and isn't real crazy with how that turned out. We don't discuss the fertility stuff with her, or that we're trying. She's told us this all on her own accord and says there's a little girl in Heaven waiting for us to be her parents, and for Lilli to be her big sister. I wonder who that might be. It makes me smile to hear her talk about this. According to Lilli, she's hanging out with Everett, but at some point will join us here on earth and in our homes to stay. I'm not sure where my child gets this stuff, honestly.

So just a few stresses going on lately. Hopefully my lip clears up before race day and I can fit some exercise into my schedule to help with the stress levels that are likely to only go up this week as we face Everett's first Birthday. I miss that little boy so much.

~Steph